A strong belief in suffering

I have to have a strong belief that something good will come out of suffering.

In the big scope of all life's possibilities my "suffering" is a partial footnote (if that) - but on the micro-mini-scale of where I'm sitting right now in this moment, it all feels pretty bad and ugly. I keep reminding my self -just focus on those 20 minutes of right now, but even that is loosing it's reasonability.

I just keep hoping that the good and beautiful will show up soon (some things have happen in the last 24 hours that demonstrate they are always there).

I'm pretty sure that things could get worse yet -but also holding on to a secret faith that everything will get better soon too.

On Tuesday I will have to put may faith and life in the hands of people I have not even met yet. They will put me to sleep and work on my body parts and I will awake and things will be "better" - they won't be fixed - just "better" and moving towards healing.

I will have to come to terms with the last four months and all the things that have happen within them but right now I'm going to go to bed and let the tree frogs and crickets sing me a lulluby.

Secretly I know the more I try to control things - the less control I have of anything. I just got to let it go and listen to those crickets and tree frogs.