Not being a mommy myself I enter this disclaimer: I am not criticizing anyone else’s parenting style! Raising a child is a 24 X 7 X 365 thing so if junior is acting up at the theme park cause he’s so amp’d up on sugar and the promise of having the shit scared out of him on some ride – I’ll cut you some slack.
Sometimes I’ve observed though that it's the parents that are the ones displaying the worst behaviors...I have seen parents blow steam out of their ears because little Johnny refuses to eat his $40.00 theme park pasta meal because he doesn't like it with *that* sauce on it.
I have heard more than once the empty threat of going back to the hotel "right now" which both parent and child know will NEVER happen. The worst I’ve ever heard uttered to a child was that they had ruined the vacation by being scared to go on a ride. I have heard a mother turn to a child and tell them not to ask for anything else today as they have already spent enough money on them. These parents get my loser parent award.
I have witnessed the frantic with fear parents when a little one has decided to explore on their own and tearful reunions at the lost (parents) and found (children) department. Hubby and I have our own little vocabulary for what we see out there in the never grow up world of theme parks- I thought I'd it might be fun to share with you all:
1) Child on Fire
This is a child who has become completely unglued and is having a full blown hissy fit. This develops from (a) lack of sleep, (b) lack of food or (c) both. The child must be crying (or faking it), howling or screaming in a somewhat constant rhythm and disturbing anything with eardrums. Example: A child on the floor in the Pirates of the Caribbean Gift shop shouting "I hate you" because mommy has said no to purchasing the plastic $25.00 glow in the dark pirate sword. The mommy repeats to the child in very low angry tones that the toy is too violent and we don't buy these kinds of toys! Said child starts kicking mommy as she tries to pick him up off the floor (which looks pretty violent to me!). I would classify this child as a “child on fire”.
2) Child-escape-us (say it fast childescapeus)
This is a child who is running in an apparent attempt to abandon the people in his "theme park tribe" (see below). Example: A half-buck naked two year old boy running out of the women's bathroom is a child-escape-us.
3) Theme Park Tribe
A theme park tribe is a family who has dressed all members in identical patterned outfits or tees. This is done to identify one and another in the sea of other families who have dressed themselves in identical outfits.
4) Princess Halloween
Princess Halloween kids are almost exclusively made up of little girls. These girls regardless of the time of year wear their Disney themed princess outfits while visiting the parks. An overly proud grandparent or parent purchases the costume and loves to show off how much little Emily looks just like Cinderella – only Cinderella doesn’t usually stick her tongue out at other children. It’s good to know that these kids will become the future minimum wage park workers!
5) Mappy Dad
This is a daddy that pushes a stroller (into innocent bystanders) and reads the theme park map at the SAME time.
6) Dead Indian
This is a child who has finally fallen asleep in a stroller with some food item drooling out of their mouth.
7) Scalped Dead Indian
Any child who has finally fallen asleep in a stroller but their head looks so awkward that you wonder when they wake up if their head is going to stay attached to their body.
8) Meefirsts
These are pushy kids who step on everyone to get AHEAD in line and then must be told by a parent to “come back”.
9) Exit'emnows
When exiting a ride or show kids who race AHEAD of their theme park tribe (by pushing others out of their way) are called “exit’emnows”. If said child does not stop within the boarders of the ride/show gift shop (which is always located at the exit of a ride or show in a theme park) said child may then be reclassified as a "childescapeus".
10) Splatters
These are children, whose parents believe that it's cute, to swing, pull, climb or play in some fashion with a divider mechanisms that have been set up to form the ride lines. Sometimes the parents are too tired to tell little Suzie or Johnny to stop it for the ten-thousandth time or they have decided it might be better to let them climb on that then whine to be picked up (w/arms held upward - and a loud uppy! uppy! uppy NOW!!). Of course play on these line dividers only lasts until the kid falls off, or underestimates the strength of the rope, and hits the ground - hence the word "splatters".
11) Motorized jelly donut
Overweight people who rent the motorized scooters because they are so fat they can't walk ten feet. Example, that 300 lbs motorized jelly donut just ran over my foot!
12) GLJ - Grandma Line Jumper
These are grandmas sent to stand in the longest ride lines while the family does something else (eating snacks, bathroom break- ride another ride with a shorter line). Then just as grandma is getting close to the front the family "catches up" to her by pushing past everyone. Although I understand why they do it, I think it stinks.
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